Do you love guns and America? Do you hate people who keep you down and don't look like you? Then continue reading and apply today to enroll in Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS.
Congratulations! You are taking an important step in doing your patriotic duty to Make America Great Again! No issue is more pressing or more important than securing our borders and our national identity. Not the outsourcing of jobs, like having shirts manufactured in Mexico. Not political corruption, like using charitable foundations to make payments to public officials deciding whether to investigate you for wrongdoing. All of that pales by comparison to the problem of the unwashed, tired, poor masses that are bursting through our porous borders.
This is where God-fearing, real Americans like you come in. You, the real Americans, breasts overflowing with the mother's milk of freedom. You , your chests swelling with the love of Jesus and the flag. You know, all the things liberals and foreigners hate. You, yearning to once again burst with pride for an America where everyone knew their place, and you knew what an American President looked like.
If this description fits you, then join Donald Trump and become a Trump Wall Immigration Trooper. It's easy. Simply answer the few simple questions below. As you know Mr. Trump only surrounds himself with the best people. The best! These questions will help us determine if you meet our exacting standards.
Afterwards you will be asked to review and sign a totally standard, nothing to worry about, non-disclosure agreement. Perfectly perfunctory. After all we want everyone to be as enthusiastic about Mr. Trump as you are. So we want to make sure everyone who joins the Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS will attest that Mr. Trump is the best! The best!
Gender (circle all that apply): Red-Blooded American Male F NotSure
Race (circle one): White Orange Other (note: if Other must supply a long-form birth certificate)
Have you been convicted of any crime other than rape, weapons charges, bribery, tax fraud, sexual harassment, or threatening someone with a 2nd Amendment solution? Y N [If Y please explain]
Did you serve in the American armed forces? Y N
If Yes, were you ever captured? (Circle one)
Yes, I'm a loser No, Mr. Trump will be interested in me
Which phrase best describes Mr. Trump? (Please circle only one as difficult as that will be)
Faithful Yuuuuuge Tremendous Brain Large-handed Presidential looking Bankrupt
Do you own licensed firearms? Y N
Unlicensed firearms? Y N
Do you have any firearms in your mother's basement? Y N
Finally, what is your preferred duty as a member of the Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS? (Circle only one):
Standing on the wall looking through binoculars for melon calves
Checking papers of people who "don't look right"
Patrolling polling places in "those" areas
Bobby pin counter
Thank you for considering joining Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS. We, or a hacker from the Kremlin, will be in touch. Please remember no application is considered complete and ready for review until you, 1. Read and sign the non-disclosure agreement below; and 2. use the convenient "Donate Now" button at the end to set up your recurring contribution to help Mr. Trump in this important work. This will demonstrate who the truly worthy candidates are to become members of theTrump Wall Immigration TrooperS.
This is totally customary and boilerplate. Really nothing to worry about. We wouldn't even do this, but Mr. Trump's attorneys insisted. You know how it is when you're as successful as Mr. Trump. Everyone wants a piece. You can really skip right to the signature line. But if you're a spineless, sniveling nervous Nellie, and on the off chance everything doesn't go according to Mr. Trump's plans, through no fault of his mind you, then by all means waste your time and read the following non-disclosure agreement.
By signing your name below, or circling the conveniently provided "X" at the end of this agreement, I, as a potential member of the Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS agree to the following:
I will only use the following words and phrases when speaking to anyone about Mr. Trump, especially to members of the lying press:
Not at all racist
Loving father, especially where Ivanka is concerned
Someone I would proudly allow to date my daughters
Smart (did I say that one already?)
I will not disclose the operations, tactics and strategies of Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS, or any other Trump entity to which I become privy, nor discuss any member of the Trump family, except to state the following:
How was I to know they were born here, they looked foreign to me?
I never saw yuuuge truckloads of bobby pins, orange concealer, or hair product during my time in the Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS.
The most fun part was the day we got to go over the Wall and tour the Trump Tie factory.
The talk around the office was Mr. Trump has no problems in that regard. Believe me.
Shooting the gun was my idea. Totally.
Mr. Trump is so generous. On your birthday each Trooper receives an autographed picture of Vladimir Putin on horseback. Shirtless. Putin, not the horse. Well, the horse didn't have a shirt either.
I never saw Mr. Trump's taxes. I have no interest in seeing Mr. Trump's taxes. He pays as little as possible like any winner would. He is a billionaire and a yuuuuge success.
I'm sure my performance was not adequate. Otherwise Mr. Trump would have paid me. Definitely.
Mr. Trump knows more about running the Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS than the Generals. Or at least he will as soon as the Generals come up with a plan in 30 days.
Melania sure knows a lot of stuff about architecture. And well spoken too. Her word is her bond you know.
Trump University is a world class institution, recognized worldwide as one of the best institutions of higher learning. Why, all of our training as Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS was through Trump U. I never learnt so much stuff in my life. So get a brain, morans!
Mexico doesn't know it yet, but they did pay for the Wall. Believe me. Hey, can anyone tell me what these charges are on my credit card bill?
Failure to adhere to the tenets of the non-disclosure agreement could lead to one or more of the following:
- Being sued by Mr. Trump, Trump Wall Immigration TrooperS, or any other Trump enterprise that sees fit to break you
- Being dressed up as an endangered species of their choosing and given a one minute head start before Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr are set loose
- Being placed on the expedited "self-deportation" list
- Being dispatched to Kenya and/or Indonesia to find out the "amaaazing" truth about Obama's true origins
- Being the lion in the next Trump family portrait
Alternate Signature: Circle the X: X